(45) Self torture
One of the most memorable moments in my life was once when we went out into the desert. With us was our friend Abu Khalid whose eyesight was very weak. We would serve him and give him water, dates and coffee, whilst he would insist, “I must help you. I want to work with you. Give me something to do,”
Meanwhile, we would all forbid him from doing anything.
We had slaughtered a sheep, cut the meat into pieces and brought it along with us in a pot, ready to cook. We hadn’t yet lit the fire since we were too busy setting up the tent and arranging other things.
Abu Khalid was taken over by vigour and –although we wish he had not been– he got up and turned to the pot to notice the meat inside. He decided that the first thing we must do is to pour water over the meat. He turned to our belongings in the car, searching through the various things, such as electricity generator, wires, lamps, four bottles with water and petrol, and other items. He took the closest bottle to him and happily returned to the pot and poured half of the bottle in it. When one of us caught sight of it, he screamed, “No! No! Abu Khalid!’ while he kept saying, “Leave me to do it for you!”
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We immediately snatched the bottle away from him and began to laugh hysterically with tears in our eyes, as we noticed that the bottle contained petrol and not water! Thus, we only had bread and tea for lunch. But the trip was not ruined. Rather, it was one of the best trips we ever had. Why should we continue to torture ourselves over something which was now over and done?
I also remember, when I was in secondary school, I went with a few classmates on a trip. The battery in one of the cars failed. We brought another car face to face with the car that had broken down in order to connect the two batteries together.
Meanwhile, Tariq came along and stood between the two cars.
He wired the first battery to the dead one. He then asked a friend to turn the engine on.
This friend of ours sat in the car, unaware that the car was in first gear.As soon as he turned the car on, it jumped forward and Tariq’s knees were struck by the car bumpers, and he fell to the ground, whilst our friend in the car kept asking, “Shall I turn the engine on, again?”
We moved the cars apart and helped Tariq walk. He was limping and his knees were in severe pain. What surprised me was that he did not increase his pain further by screaming and insulting, or even rebuking anyone. He simply smiled happily. What was the point in screaming, when the matter had finished and this friend of ours had realised his fault?
Therefore, if you want to enjoy your life, then act in accordance with this principle: Do not pay attention to small matters.
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Often we torture and lash ourselves, and we feel upset, dis-tressed and in pain. But pain does not solve any problem.
Suppose you go to a wedding party, wearing a beautiful garment and a beautiful headscarf with an ‘Iqal (a headband to keep the scarf in place), such that you look more handsome than the groom himself!
You begin to shake hands with people, one-by-one, and suddenly there comes a child from behind you, holds on to the tip of your headscarf and pulls on it, making it fall along with the headband and the hat. You begin to look like a clown. What should you do in this situation?
Many of us deal with such situations in a way that does not solve the problem. One may run after the child, screaming, insulting and cursing. The result? The child successfully achieves what he wanted, i.e. attracting attention, causing uproar and making people laugh. Some may even film the scene and exchange it with each others via Bluetooth! Here, you are not punishing the child, but actually only punishing yourself.
Or suppose that you wear a new garment, for which you still haven’t fully paid. You go to a company for a job interview. You go through one of the doors that has just been coated with paint.
Next to it there is a warning sign, but you do not notice it.
Accidentally, some of the paint rubs onto your garment.
The painter begins to shout at you, insultingly and angrily. How would you deal with such a scenario? Often we deal with such situations in ways that do not help solve the problem. We would become enraged and insult the painter saying, “Why didn’t you make the sign clear?” To which he would reply to you with more anger. As a result, you may get more covered in dust than paint!
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Take it easy! Do you realise that by behaving in this manner you are only punishing yourself?
You can say the same if you dress up to deliver a sermon somewhere, and a car passes by as you are coming out of the house, driving over a puddle and thereby splashing water all over your clothes. Would you punish yourself by shouting and yelling at the car and the passengers, when the car has already gone?
Similarly, there is no need to always remember the pains we have had in our lives.
Muhammad Peace be upon him suffered many painful moments in his life. He once sat with his beloved wife, ‘A’ishah – may Allah be pleased with her – silently.
She asked him, “Was there a day in your life more severe than the day of Uhud?”
The memories of that battle went through the Prophet’s mind. Oh, how cruel that day was! The day when his uncle Hamza was killed, who was the most beloved of all to him; he stood there gazing at his beloved uncle, seeing his body disfigured: his nose and ears sliced off, his stomach gashed and gaping open and his insides gouged out.
It was the day when the Prophet’s teeth were broken, his face was wounded and his blood spilt.
The day of Uhud was the day when his Companions were killed in front of him; the day he returned to Madinah without seventy of his Companions, only to see the widowed women and orphaned children hunting for their loved ones and their fathers!
That day truly was very cruel.
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‘A’ishah was waiting for a response. The Prophet Peace be upon him said, “What I suffered at the hands of your people was more severe on me. The day of ‘Aqabah when I offered myself…” and then he related the entire story of seeking help from the people of at-Ta’if, and their rejection of him, followed by the foolish ones amongst them throwing stones at him until his feet bled.
Despite these painful moments in the life of the Prophet Peace be upon him ,he would continue his life cheerfully and not allow them to embitter him from enjoying his life. These painful moments do not deserve to be remembered. The pains have now gone, and all that is left is joy. Therefore, do not kill yourself with grief.
Similarly, do not kill people with grief and blame.
Sometimes, we deal with problems in ways that do not provide solutions.
Al-Ahnaf bin Qays was the leader of Banu Tamim. He did not become a leader due to the strength of his body, or the abundance of wealth, or the nobility of lineage, but due to his forbearance and intellect.
A group of people envied him so they came to a foolish person and said, “Here are a thousand dirhams. Go to the leader of Banu Tamim, al-Ahnaf bin Qays, and slap him across his face.”
The foolish person went ahead and found al-Ahnaf sitting with some men. He was sitting with his legs drawn up to his chest in a garment with all sedateness, speaking to his people.
The foolish person slowly came close until he stood next to him.
Al-Ahnaf looked up to him thinking he had something pleasant to show him, and suddenly, the foolish person raised his hand and slapped al-Ahnaf across his face so hard that it was as if his cheek was about to rip open. Al-Ahnaf looked at him, and instead of undoing his garments to free his legs, he said very gently, “Why did you slap me?”
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The man said, “My people gave me a thousand dirhams to slap the leader of Banu Tamim.”
Al-Ahnaf said, “Oh! You haven’t achieved anything, then! I am not the leader of Banu Tamim!”
The man said, “That’s strange! Where is the leader of Banu Tamim, then?”
Al-Ahnaf replied, “Do you see that man sitting on his own with a sword to his side?” He pointed to a man called Harithah bin Qudamah, who was perpetually full of anger and hate, such that if his anger were to be divided amongst the Ummah, it
would have sufficed.
The man replied, “O yes, I see him. Is he the man sitting there?”
Al-Ahnaf replied, “Yes, go to him and give him a slap, for he is the leader of Banu Tamim.”
The man went up to him and approached Harithah, while Harithah’s eyes brightened with evil. The foolish man stood in front of him, raised his hand and slapped him across the face. His hand had just touched Harithah’s face when he got hold of his sword and cut off his hand!
There is an old saying, “The winner is the one who has the last laugh!”
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Conviction…
Dealing with a problem in ways that do not serve as a solution only punishes you and does not even solve the problem!
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