(31) Do not criticise!
A man sits in his friend’s car, and the first thing he says is, “Wow! How old your car is!”
He enters his house and upon seeing the furniture he says, “Oh, you still haven’t changed your furniture?”
When he sees his children, he says, “MashaAllah! They are very sweet! But why don’t you give them better clothes to wear?”
When his poor wife gives him food, after having to stand in the kitchen for hours on end cooking, he looks at the food and says, “O God! Why didn’t she cook rice? Oh! It is lacking in salt.
I wasn’t in the mood to eat this!”
He enters a fruit shop to find it full of a variety of fruits. He asks the shopkeeper, “Do you have mangoes?”
The shopkeeper says, “No. We only have them during the summer.”
He says, “OK. Do you have watermelon, then?”
The shopkeeper replies, “No.”
His complexion then changes. He says, “You don’t have anything here! Why did you even bother opening up a shop?” and leaves the shop.
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He forgets that the shop has more than forty other types of fruit.
No doubt, some people bother you by their frequent criticisms.
Nothing seems to please them in the world. They cannot notice, in a delicious meal, except a strand of hair that mistakenly dropped therein. They cannot notice in a clean garment except a drop of ink that affected it by error. Neither can they notice in a beneficial book except an innocent printing error. Hence, none seems to be saved from their criticisms. They always have comments to pass. These people scrutinise everything, be it great or small.
I know a person, who was a colleague of mine during our secondary education and university days, and our relationship to this day continues, except that I do not remember him ever making a positive comment about anything.
I asked him about a book I wrote, which was praised by many people, and of which hundreds of thousands of copies were printed, and he coldly replied, “Well, it is ok, but it has an inappropriate story. I didn’t like the font size, either. The print
quality is also poor”, and so on.
I asked him once about someone’s performance in the Friday sermon, and he did not seem to mention anything positive, until he became more burdensome for me than a mountain. I then wouldn’t ask him for his opinion with respect to anything, because I already knew it would be negative.
You can say the same about someone who expects everyone to be exemplary, thus, he expects his wife to keep the house 100% clean twenty-four hours a day.
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He also expects his wife to keep the children nice and clean all day. If he is visited by guests, he expects her to cook the best dishes. If he sits with her, he expects her to talk about the best topics.
He expects the same from his children. He wants them to be perfect at everything, excellent with his friends and with whomever he meets on the street or a marketplace, etc. If anyone of them falls short, he would consume him by his speech, over-criticise and repeatedly pass comments, until people become bored of him. This is because he cannot see on a white page but a black spot.
Such people usually punish themselves by their nature. Their closest friends dislike them and avoid their company.
SubhanAllah! All the while, Allah says, “And when you speak, be just!”
Our mother ‘A’ishah – may Allah be pleased with her – said, whilst describing the way the Prophet Peace be upon him would treat others, “The Messenger of Allah Peace be upon him never complained about food. If he liked it, he ate it. If he didn’t like it, he simply left it.’ (al-Bukhari and Muslim) Absolutey! He never used to make a fuss about anything.
Anas – may Allah be pleased with him – said, “I served the Messenger of Allah Peace be upon him for nine years. I never heard him comment about anything I did, ‘Why did you do this?!’ He never criticized me for anything at all. By Allah! He never even said uff to me!”
This is how he was, and this is how we should be.
By saying that, however, I am not suggesting that you should not advise others, or that you should remain silent over their mistakes.
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Rather, you should not scrutinise everything people do, especially in worldly matters. Learn to overlook such matters.
If a guest were to knock at your door, you would welcome him and take him to the drawing room. When you bring some tea, he would take the tea cups. Upon looking into the cup, he would comment, “Why didn’t you fill up the cup?”
If you say, “Shall I give you more?”
He would say, “No, leave it. This is enough.”
He then asks for water and you give him a glass of water which he drinks. After he is finished, he says, “The water was quite warm.”
He then turns to the air conditioner and says, “Your air conditioner does not seem to work!”, and begins to complain about the heat.
Wouldn’t you feel that this person is very burdensome, and wish that he leaves and never returns?
People dislike too much criticism.
However, if you really do need to criticise, then package it well and then present it with kindness to others. Present it as if it were a suggestion, rather than a criticism. Present it indirectly, or using vague expressions.
If the Messenger of Allah Peace be upon him ever noticed a person making a mistake, he would not confront him directly. Rather, he would say, “What is wrong with the people, who do such-and-such?”
which would indirectly imply, “I mean by that you, dear neighbour, so please pay attention!”
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Once upon a time, three zealous young men travelled to Madinah, wanting to know how exactly the Prophet Peace be upon him worshipped and offered his prayers. They asked the wives of the Prophet Peace be upon him what he would do in private. His wives then informed them that sometimes he would fast and at other times he would not. He would also sleep for a part of the night and pray in the other part.
They then said to each other, “But this is the Messenger of Allah Peace be upon him whose past sins Allah has forgiven.” Then each of them made a decision.
One of them said, “I will not get married. I will remain a bachelor and therefore, I will be free for worship.”
Another said, “I will always fast, every day.”
The third one said, “I will not sleep at night. I will pray all night long.”
When news of this reached the Prophet – may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him − he stood on his pulpit, praised Allah and glorified him, and then said, “What is wrong with the people?”, notice the vague expression. He did not say, “What is wrong with so-and-so?” Rather, he said, “What is wrong with the people that they say, such-and such? Yet, I pray and go to sleep. I fast and sometimes I do not. I also marry women. Whoever turns away from my Sunnah is not from me.” (al-Bukhari and Muslim)
On another occasion, the Prophet Peace be upon him noticed that some of those who prayed with him raised their eyes to the sky during the prayer. This is wrong, for one should look at the place of prostration during the prayer.
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He said, “What is wrong with the people that they raise their eyes up to the sky in their prayers?” When they did not cease from this and continued to look up, he did not expose them, or mention them by names. Rather, he said, “They must stop, or else their sight will be snatched away.” (al-Bukhari)
Bareerah was a slave woman in Madinah. She wanted to be freed, and therefore, asked her owner to free her. Her owner stipulated that she give him money for her freedom. Bareerah then came to ‘A’ishah to ask her for financial assistance. ‘A’ishah said, “If you wish, I can give your price to your owners so you could be free, on the condition that your loyalty lies with me.”
The slave woman informed her owners about this, but they refused.
They wanted to profit on both; they wanted her price as well as her debt of loyalty.
‘A’ishah then asked the Prophet Peace be upon him and the Prophet became surprised at their fervour for wealth, and their refusal to allow this poor woman to be free!
He said to ‘A’ishah, “Buy her, and then free her. The debt of loyalty is only for the one who frees the slave.” Meaning, the debt of loyalty will always be yours so long as you pay, and do not worry about their conditions for they are unjust.
Then the Prophet Peace be upon him stood on his pulpit and said, “What is wrong with the people”, and he did not say, “What is wrong with such-and-such a family” The Prophet Peace be upon him continued, “…that they stipulate conditions that do not exist in the Book of Allah? Whoever stipulates a condition that does not exist in Allah’s Book, he does not deserve that condition to be fulfilled, even if he were to stipulate a hundred such conditions!” (al-Bukhari and Muslim)
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Yes! This is how he said it. He waved his stick from afar, but didn’t strike anything with it.
What can be better for you than to say to your wife, who does not keep the house tidy, “Yesterday, we stayed with a friend of mine, and everyone praised the cleanliness of his house.” What can be better than for you to say to your son, who does not pray in the mosque, “I am amazed at this person in our neighbourhood!
I never seem to miss him in the mosque at all!” Meaning, “It is you I am referring to so please pay attention!”
It is right for you to ask why people dislike criticism, to which I would say in response, “Because it makes them feel deficient.
Everyone loves perfection.”
It is said that once a very simple man wanted to be in control.
To that end he got hold of two thermoses, one green and the other red.
He filled them both with cold water. He then sat in people’s way and began to shout, “Free, cold water!” Those who were thirsty would come to him, grab a glass and pour some water for themselves. When this man would notice that the thirsty person wanted to drink from the green thermos, he would say, “No!
Drink from the red one.” So he would drink from the red one.
When another person would come who would want to drink from the red one, he would say, “No! Drink from the green one!”
If someone were to object and ask, “What is the difference between the two?!” He would say, “I am responsible for the water.
Either be pleased with what you have, or help yourself with water from elsewhere!”
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It is the constant feeling in a person to be recognised and acknowledged as being important that drives him.
A bee and a fly…
Be like a bee that seeks out the scent and ignores the filth.
Do not be like a fly that seeks out the bloody wounds.
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