(23) Taking one’s psychological condition into consideration
People’s moods and circumstances fluctuate between sadness and happiness, health and illness, affluence and poverty, and stability and instability. Subsequently, their reaction to the way they are dealt with also changes depending on their psychological state at the time. A person may appreciate a joke when he
is stable and relaxed, but not when he is upset. It would thus be very inappropriate to make a joke when visiting someone who was bereaved. But the same joke would be acceptable if said whilst out on a picnic. This is something all people understand and needs no further explanation. However, what does need to be clarified further is that one must take into consideration a person’s psychological state, emotions and personality when speaking to or dealing with him.
Imagine a woman who has just been divorced by her husband and whose mother and father have passed away. She collects her belongings and prepares to move in with her brother and his wife. In the middle of her preparation, her neighbour comes to visit her. As the neighbour thinks of something to discuss, the divorced woman says, “I saw you yesterday outside your house.”
The neighbour says, “Yes, my husband insisted on taking me out for dinner, so I went.
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Afterwards, we went to a shop where he bought me a skirt to wear at my sister’s wedding. We then went to the jewellers where he bought me a necklace to wear along with the skirt at the wedding. When we returned home, he noticed that the kids were bored, so he promised to take them out on the weekend.”
As the poor divorced woman listens to all this, she reflects upon what her predicament will be when she leaves for her brother’s house. The question is, is it appropriate to discuss something of this nature when the woman has just come out of a failed marriage? Would this woman’s love for her neighbor increase due to this? Would she ever wish to sit with her ever again? I think we can all agree that the answer is a resounding ‘No!’
Rather, her heart would be filled with jealousy and envy. What then is the solution? Should her neighbour have lied to her? Of course not, but she could have spoken tactfully and in brief. She could have said, “We had some things to do, so we went out”, and then she should have changed the topic and tried to ease the pain of her neighbour.
Suppose two friends sit their secondary school examinations and one of them passes with flying colours whilst the other one fails in some subjects and therefore does not achieve the grades required for university. Would it be appropriate for the
one who has passed to visit his friend and discuss the university that has accepted him and the various opportunities that have opened up? No doubt we would all say no. What then should he do? He should mention general matters that might lighten his worry.
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He could complain about the large number of applicants to universities, how many people are not accepted, and all the other things that might make his friend feel better. Thereafter, his friend would probably not mind sitting with him and remaining his companion.
The same can be said about two young men who meet each other, one of whom has a generous father who is always showering him with wealth, while the other has a miserly father who hardly meets his needs. It would not be appropriate for the son of the generous father to speak about the generosity of his father and how he loves to spend on him, because this would distress his friend and cause him to remember his bad fortune with his father. Subsequently, he would not like to be in his company as he would feel that he is insensitive.
For this reason, the Prophet Peace be upon him emphasised that people’s psychological conditions and sensitivities be considered. He said, “Do not stare at a leper.” (Ibn Majah, Sahih) A leper is not attractive to look at and hence, it is inappropriate that if he passes by a group of people that they should stare at him, for this would remind him of his affliction and hurt him further.
One occasion which beautifully demonstrates the Prophet’s consideration for people’s sensitivities is the way he dealt with Abu Bakr’s father when heading to the conquest of Makkah with the Muslim army. Abu Bakr’s father, Abu Quhafah, was a blind old man. He said to his granddaughter, “Dear daughter, take me to Mount Abu Qays so I can see for myself the truth of what they are saying, and whether Muhammad really is approaching or not.”
She took him to the mountain and then he said, “Tell me, what you see.”
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She said, “I see blackness approaching us.”
He said, “Those are the horses.”
She said, “I see a man going back and forth in front of that blackness.”
He said, “He is the man responsible for leading the horses.”
She said, “The blackness has now spread.”
He said, “By Allah, this means that the horses have nearly approached Makkah. Take me to my house quickly for they have said that whoever shuts himself in his house is safe!”
The girl brought him down the mountain, but they were intercepted by Muslim horsemen before they could reach home.
Abu Bakr went to his father and greeted him. Then he took him by his hand to the Messenger of Allah Peace be upon him in the mosque. When the Prophet Peace be upon him saw him, he found him to be an old man whose body had weakened and bones had softened and who was close to death. Abu Bakr looked at his father, who he now saw after a long period of separation, for he had been apart from his father in the service of his religion.
The Prophet Peace be upon him said to Abu Bakr out of kindness, “Why didn’t you leave your old father at home so I could come to see him instead?”
Abu Bakr knew that they were in the middle of a war where the Messenger of Allah Peace be upon him was their leader. He also knew that the Prophet Peace be upon him had very little time and too much to accomplish to visit the old man’s house and ask him to accept Islam.
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Hence, Abu Bakr thanked the Prophet Peace be upon him and said, “O Messenger of Al-lah, it is more appropriate that he comes to you than for you to go to him.”
The Prophet Peace be upon him sat Abu Quhafah down in front of him very kindly, placed his hand on his chest and said, “Accept Islam.”
Abu Quhafah’s face illuminated, and he said, “I testify that there is no one worthy of worship but Allah and that Muhammad is His servant and messenger”, and Abu Bakr rejoiced as he had never done before. The Prophet Peace be upon him gazed at the old man’s face and noticed that his hair had turned grey, so he said, “Dye his
hair, but do not use black.”
Yes, he would take psychology into consideration when dealing with others. In fact, when he entered Makkah, he had divided the army into battalions and had given the banner of one of the battalions to the heroic Companion Sa’d bin ‘Ubadah – may Allah be pleased with him. It was considered very noble to carry the
banner, not just for the carrier but also for his people. As Sa’d was looking at Makkah and its residents, he reflected upon how they had fought against the Messenger of Allah Peace be upon him, put him under unbearable strain, turned people away from him, murdered Sumayyah and Yasir, and tortured Bilal and Khabbab. He thought that they surely deserved to be taught a lesson! Sa’d waved his banner and said, “Today is the day of slaughter! Today your inviolabilities will be attacked!”
This was unbearable for Quraysh. They feared that he might exterminate them all. Hence, a woman stepped forward and complained to the Prophet Peace be upon him about Sa’d in words of poetry, begging him to prevent Sa’d from shedding anyone’s blood.
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When Allah’s Messenger Peace be upon him heard her poetic words, he was moved and felt pity. He didn’t want to disappoint her, just as he didn’t want to anger Sa’d by taking away the banner from him after having honoured him therewith. He therefore ordered Sa’d to hand over the banner to his son, Qays bin Sa’d, whom Sa’d was riding alongside, as they entered Makkah. Hence, the woman from Quraysh was happy when she saw that Sa’d was no longer carrying the banner, and likewise, Sa’d was not angered since he remained the leader of the battalion, except that he had spared himself the burden of carrying the banner and had thus given it to his son to carry instead.
How wonderful it is to kill two birds with one stone!
Try not to lose anyone. Try to successfully win over everyone - even if there is conflict of interest between them.
Harmony...
We deal with hearts not bodies.
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