(18) Choose the right topics
Following on from the previous chapter, is the subject of the way to talk to people and what to talk about. When someone converses with another person, he should talk about subjects that are suitable. The topic he may choose to discuss with a youth would be quite different to that which he would choose to discuss with the elderly. The type of conversation he has with a scholar would not be the same as that with a layman. Similarly, the words used with one’s wife would not be the same as those used with his sister.
This is not to say that the topic must be completely different for each person, such that a story one may relate to his sister should never be related to his wife, or what is said to a young can never be repeated to the elderly. Not at all. What is being referred to here is the way in which the story is related differs.
By way of example, imagine if one were to sit with some elderly guests, over eighty years old, who had come to visit one’s grandfather, would it be appropriate for him to laugh and joke while discussing what he did with his friends at the beach, and relate how well his friend played football? No doubt this would be inappropriate. Similarly, when speaking to small children, it would not be suitable to relate various stories concerning how husbands should treat their wives.
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It is agreed upon, therefore, that from the ways of attracting others, is to choose the topics they like to discuss. For instance, if there is a father who has an intelligent son, it would be appropriate to ask about him, as the father would most definitely be proud of him and love to discuss the subject. Likewise, there may be a person who has just opened up a shop and be making a handsome profit, and thus it would be appropriate to ask about his shop and customers as this is what would please him. He would therefore love to sit and discuss this time and time again.
The Prophet Peace be upon him would take this into consideration, and hence, the nature of his speech with young men would be different to that with the elderly, or with women and children.
Jabir bin ‘Abdullah  was a great Companion. His father was killed at Uhud, and he had left behind Jabir’s nine sisters with no one to take care of them. He had also left behind a huge debt to be paid off, all on the shoulders of this youth who was still very young. Because of this, Jabir was always anxious and thinking about his sisters and his debt, as the creditors were demanding payment day and night.
Jabir journeyed with the Prophet Peace be upon him on the Dhat ar-Riqa’ expedition.
Due to his extreme poverty, he was riding a very weak camel that could hardly walk. Jabir did not have enough money to buy another camel. As a result, everyone preceded him and he was the last in the caravan. The Prophet Peace be upon him was also at the end of the army, so he met Jabir as his camel walked slowly along. The Prophet Peace be upon him said, “What is wrong with you, O Jabir?”
He said, “This camel is slowing me down.”
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The Prophet Peace be upon him said, “Kneel it down.” Jabir knelt it down, as the Prophet Peace be upon him knelt his camel down, too.
The Prophet Peace be upon him then said, “Give me your whip, or break a branch off a tree.” Jabir gave him his whip. The Prophet Peace be upon him took the whip and struck the camel with it gently, and the camel got up energetically. Jabir got hold of the camel and jumped on its back and went alongside the Prophet Peace be upon him happily. The camel had become very lively. The Prophet Peace be upon him turned to Jabir to converse with him. What was the topic that the Prophet Peace be upon him chose to discuss with him? Jabir was a young man, and young men are normally concerned about marriage and their livelihood.
The Prophet Peace be upon him said, “O Jabir, did you get married?”
He said, “Yes, I did.”
The Prophet Peace be upon him said, “To a virgin or a previously married woman?”
He said, “Previously married.”
The Prophet Peace be upon him was surprised at why a young man like him, who had married for the first time, had done so to a previously married woman. He said to Jabir in kindness, “Why didn’t you marry a virgin so that you could fondle one other?”
Jabir said, “O Messenger of Allah, my father was martyred on the day of Uhud and left nine (orphan) daughters who are my nine sisters. I thus disliked to have another young girl of their age, and instead married someone older than them so she could be like their mother.”
The Prophet Peace be upon him realised that the man he was speaking to was one who had sacrificed his own pleasures for his sisters.,
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Thus the Prophet Peace be upon him decided to tell an appropriate joke for a youth of his age: He Peace be upon him said, “Perhaps, when we head for Madinah and stop over at Sarar (5 km from Madinah), your wife will hear of our arrival and lay out the pillows.” Meaning, even if you married someone previously married, she will always remain your bride.
She would rejoice upon your return, lay down the carpet and arrange on it pillows.
Jabir thought of his poverty and that of his sisters. He said, “Pillows?! By Allah, O Messenger of Allah, we do not have pillows!”
The Prophet Peace be upon him said, “InshaAllah, you will soon have pillows.”
As the two continued on, the Prophet Peace be upon him wished to gift some money to Jabir, so he turned to him and said, “O Jabir!”
“At your service, O Messenger of Allah!” he replied.
The Prophet Peace be upon him said, “Will you sell me your camel?” Jabir thought that the camel was his capital, and even though previously extremely weak, it had now become very strong! However, he thought it rude to reject the Prophet’s offer. Thus he said, “Make an offer, O Messenger of Allah! How much will you pay?”
The Prophet Peace be upon him said, “A Dirham.”
“A Dirham! You are cheating me, O Messenger of Allah”, replied Jabir.
The Prophet Peace be upon him said, “Two Dirhams.”
“No. You are still cheating me, O Messenger of Allah...” replied Jabir.
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They continued raising the price until it amounted to forty Dirhams, or an ounce of gold.
Jabir said, “Fine, but on the condition that I continue to ride it until we reach Madinah.”
“Yes,” agreed the Prophet Peace be upon him.
When they reached Madinah, Jabir went to his house and offloaded the camel.Then he went to pray with the Prophet Peace be upon him and tied his camel next to the mosque. When the Prophet Peace be upon him came out of the mosque, Jabir said to him, “This is your camel, O Messenger of Allah!” The Prophet Peace be upon him said, “O Bilal, give forty Dihrams to Jabir and more.”
Bilal gave Jabir forty plus Dirhams. Jabir took the money in his hand and went away thinking about his situation and what he could do with the money. Should he buy a camel, or should he buy furniture for his house?
The Prophet Peace be upon him suddenly turned to Bilal and said, “O Bilal, take the camel and give it to Jabir.” Bilal took it and went to see Jabir. When he arrived, Jabir was surprised and wondered if the Prophet Peace be upon him had cancelled the sale.
Bilal said, “Take the camel, O Jabir.”
Jabir said, “Why? What’s the news?”
Bilal said, “Allah’s Messenger has ordered me to give you the camel and the money.” Jabir returned to the Prophet Peace be upon him and asked him what had happened. The Prophet Peace be upon him replied, “Do you think I haggled with you just to take your camel?” Meaning, I wasn’t asking you to lower the price because I wanted to buy your camel.
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I only did what I did to assist you with some money! How wonderful these manners were! He chose the appropriate topic to discuss with the young man, and when he decided to help him, he did so with great kindness and compassion.
One day, a young man called Julaybib was sitting next to the Prophet Peace be upon him. He was one of the best Companions but was poor and not very good looking. Which topic did the Prophet Peace be upon him raise with this young man, who was still unmarried? Did he discuss Arab lineages and which of them are nobler than others? Did he discuss the markets and the laws governing sales? No. Rather, he was a young man who preferred certain topics over others.
Hence, the Prophet Peace be upon him asked him about marriage.
Julaybib replied, “You will find me unmarketable.”
The Prophet Peace be upon him replied, “You are not so in the sight of Allah.”
While the Prophet Peace be upon him was looking to get Julaybib married, there came to him a man from the Ansaar offering his previously married daughter to him in marriage. The Prophet Peace be upon him said, “I want to have your daughter married.”
The man replied, “Most, definitely, O Messenger of Allah!”
The Prophet Peace be upon him said, “Actually, I don’t want her for myself.”
“For whom then?” the man asked.
“For Julaybib” said the Prophet Peace be upon him.
The man became surprised and said, “Julaybib! Julaybib! O Messenger of Allah, allow me to ask her mother.”
The man went to his wife and said, “The Prophet Peace be upon him is pro-posing to your daughter.”
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She said, “How wonderful! Marry her off to the Messenger of Allah.”
He said, “He doesn’t want her for himself.”
“For whom then?” she asked?
He said, “For Julaybib.”
The woman was shocked at the idea of her daughter being married to an ugly poor man. She said, “Never! I swear I will not allow her to marry Julaybib! We haven’t given her in marriage to so many others!”
The father was saddened. As he got up to leave to inform the Prophet Peace be upon him, the girl shouted from her room, “Who proposed for me?”
They said, “The Messenger of Allah.”
She said, “Are you rejecting the Prophet’s request? Send me to him, for he shall certainly not bring ruin to me.” Thereafter, her father went to the Prophet Peace be upon him and said, “O Messenger of Allah, the choice is yours, so marry her off to Julaybib if so you wish.” The Prophet Peace be upon him married her off to Julaybib and prayed for them, “O Lord, bestow good on them in abundance and make not their life one of toil and trouble.”
It wasn’t long before the Prophet Peace be upon him went out on an expedition with Julaybib accompanying him. After the battle, people began searching for those missing. The Prophet Peace be upon him asked them, “Have you lost anyone?” They said, “I have lost so-and-so.” He remained silent for a while and then asked again, “Are you missing anyone?” They said, “We are missing so-and-so.” He remained silent for a while and then asked again, “Have you lost anyone?” and they replied, “Yes, so-and-so.”
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The Prophet Peace be upon him then said, “I have lost Julaybib.”
The Companions began to search for him amongst the dead but did not find him on the battlefield. They then found him nearby, next to seven pagans whom he had killed before being killed himself. The Prophet Peace be upon him stood watching his body and said, “He killed seven and then he was killed. He killed seven and then he was killed. He is of me and I am of him.”
The Prophet Peace be upon him took him in his arms and ordered the Companions to dig a grave for him. Anas said, “As we dug the grave, Julaybib was resting in the arms of Allah’s Messenger Peace be upon him, until the grave was dug and he placed Julaybib in it. By Allah, there was no previously married woman amongst the Ansaar who received more proposals after that than Julaybib’s wife.”
This is how the Prophet Peace be upon him would decide on the appropriate topic of conversation, so as to not bore his guests.
One day, he was sitting with his wife ‘A’ishah. What would be the most appropriate subject to talk about with one’s wife?
Did he speak to her about the expedition of Rome? The types of weapons used in battles? No, for she was not Abu Bakr. Did he speak to her about poor Muslims and their needs? No, for she was not ‘Uthman. Rather, he said to her, lovingly, “I know when you are pleased with me and when you are angry.”
“How is that?” She replied He said, “When you are pleased you say: ‘No, by the Lord of Muhammad! And when you are angry you say: ‘No, by the Lord of Ibrahim!’’
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She said, “Yes, by Allah, O Messenger of Allah! But I do not put aside anything except your name!”
Do we take these factors into consideration today?
A point of view...
Talk about what others like to hear, not what you like to relate.
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